From a book not yet written of ongoing struggles. . . . . .

The bleeding continues.

I remember I once had a nightmare. I related it to my friend, Ben, and while he proclaimed it funny, he also empathized. Let me briefly tell it to you.

It began by me taking a surprise test. When I received the test, it was not in any language that I understood. Looking around, I was obviously the only one having problems with it, the rest of the class perceptibly smiling as they raced through the pages. Somehow, I was able to finish, the last one in the room. The crooked pathway between desks resembled the green mile, with the teacher being a final judge. When I handed it to the teacher, the amorphous he/she took a single look and burst out laughing in that horrible, condescending, "what the hell are you doing here?" laugh that is so feared by serious students.

The closest reality to that dream happened last week. It was in biochemistry, in a lecture (not a test, fortunately) about blood chemistry. The professor proclaimed that she was not going to follow the lecture manual since it had been written by someone else (who, evidently, is not as smart as she, but probably more organized), then proceeded to steam roll right past my intellect. She used an old slide film projector that was located about 2 feet from the screen which couldn't be moved back any further because of the lack of an extension cord, and showed a 3 square foot picture that even me, in the front row with a new eyeglass prescription, could barely discern. She often lapsed into Tagalogue (the national language of the Philippines), and went so fast, back and forth between slides that the entire 90 minute lecture produced 1 and 1/2 pages of notes for me. BTW, it was slated to be a three HOUR lecture. I have never felt as dumb inside an institution of learning as I did walking out of that classroom. I couldn't read the slides, I didn't understand the language, and understood the material less than when I walked in. Fortunately, the entire class felt the same way. An upperclassman Phil-Am (an American that has Filipino ancestry) told me that that professor was the first lecturer he ever had in medical school; he nearly packed up and went home that day. The test is next week, and we don't know what to study for it, or how to study. I think we may just kill whomever the "factor maker" (the person that sets the curve) is this time around.

I was never terribly swift when it came to chemistry of any kind. Basic, inorganic, organic, and now biochem. I knew that, and accepted it as fact. I knew I would have to work hard just to pass. And I do. I read the topic nearly every evening, be it the assigned text, or the class notes, and even the suggested text offered by one of the professors. With another test coming up this week regarding a topic proclaimed difficult by the professor (carbohydrate metabolism), I poured over 20 hours into biochem this weekend alone, forsaking other classes in which I also have tests. Straight memorization of 6 pathways with a combined total of over 100 steps or alternate pathways. We were promised if we memorized those cycles, we would understand half of the question. Not half of the questions on the exam, but half of each question. The comprehension and application would be the other half. For example, if a said enzyme was inhibited, which of the following cycles would show an increased rate, and, next question, how would that be measured, then, next question, what are the clinical manefestations of the inhibition. You booger the first one up, and it is tough to get the next two, or three, or four; how ever many depends on how sadistic they feel at the time of writing the test. When told that the chair of the department wanted to make it a double exam (two topics during a single one hour testing time block) the professor told him that doubles on her topic would be "disastrous." I don’t feel any smarter now than I was on Friday afternoon. Sad, huh?

Well, it is time for me to attack the books again. I spent another 2 hours on biochem today, and need to review physiology for a test tomorrow (a minor subject, respiration: you know, one of the main things that keep you alive!), along with a Gross anatomy oral quiz. For the record, it is 12:30 in the morning right now, and class starts at 7 AM. Such is my life at the present.

Next week, a slightly more uplifting topic: the feeling of utter loneliness. Hey, anything is more pleasant than biochemistry.

I would love to hear from you, but only if your life is any better :-)

Exhausted and petrified,

Ephraim

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